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I's moved!

So I moved on over to wordpress.   Still gonna keep this one up though since Wordpess had some trouble moving all my posts over there.  You should visit me at my new digs.  

Ananimiss.wordpress.com

AND on Twitter

Twitter.com/ananimiss

Vh1 Presents: Bad Lace-front Sundays

So Vh1 is premiering their new "classier" reality shows on Sunday. And they were kind enough to give us sneak peeks of two of thense new mature shows. 

I was going to liveblog it but then I spent half the time distracted by Tionna's chest.  Seriously, she doesn't have breasts.  Her breasts have her.   And the times I wasn't distracted by her boobs, I was distracted by her lace-front wig.   Seriously what Chili should want is to have her invest in some hair that wasn't on clearance at hairsisters.com. I kid!  Judging from the way she swatted that crap off the table in the preview, she looks like a fellow "effing lady."  And we effing ladies stick together.

Anyway, peep the premiere.  I'll definitely be watching:

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And keeping with the "bad lacefront" theme, here's the sneak peek of Brandy and Ray's new show.  Again, wanted to do a live-blog but I was too busy waiting to see if Brandy's baby hairs and eyebrows were gonna get into a fight.  They were all up in each other's personal spaces and ish.  (Side note:  Ray-J, let's leave the bad hairstyle choices to your sister.  That jagged line thingy is not a good look.)

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"Such an Effing Lady" Deelishis

 Our second effing lady honor goes to the one and only Deelishis, winner of Flavor of Love 2.  First, we need some visuals for all those just plain old ladies who don't watch Vh1 religiously like us effing ladies do.





I'm sure the original effing lady, our beloved, incarcerated Remy Martin would approve of the use of baby oil in that above clip.

Anyway, so Deelishis managed to find love.  Although, not Flavor Flav, her husband is flavorful in his own way.   (Star Jones is probably more than willing to put a ring on it if you know what I mean...)



So Deelishis and Hubby are happy.  So happy that they decide to start a joint facebook page.  (Sidenote:  Don't you hate when couples share email addresses, facebook pages and twitters??? Isn't enough just to share your bed??  Spare me.)  So happy that they have sex and create a baby.   Hubby apparently felt the need to share this happiness with others because apparently he had an affair (before you ask, yes with a girl),  which then made Deelishis feel the need to blast his cheating on...THEIR JOINT FACEBOOK PAGE!!

She had a long ass rant of stuff that is not important as this:

Thank u all, but I'm cool.  A real one always bounce back.  And to you Cassie, I esspecially thank you and pray that God has mercy on your soul, cause after I drop this baby I got ya ass, believe that!

As you can imagine, yours truly did indeed believe that!  In fact, I have been counting down the days until Deelishis dropped this baby.  And I'm happy to say today my dreams have come true!!!

She had her baby on April 8th.  She named her Lexington Brielle.  Although I think she should have named her "Cassie Isgettingherassbeatbelievethat!"

So if you are in Detroit, and you see Deelishis walking around sans weave (see LisaRaye post below) please call me so I can at least hear the beat down!

Congrats Deelishis!  You are such an effing lady!!


"Such an Effing Lady" LisaRaye

 In honor of the currently incarcerated Remy Ma, I'm gonna start doing odes to what I will call "Effing Ladies."  

First to get us started, let's look at the video that inspired this:  Skip to about 1:50 if all that lace-covered, baby oiled up, yaki weave explosion hotness is too much for you.


So our first "Effing Lady" is going to be the one and only Ms. LisaRaye McCoy.

We all remember that beat down she gave her hubby when she found out that not only was he cheating on her with Rocsi but he had the nerve to have that trick in the house.  I knew she was ready to scrap when she arrived at the airport sans weave.  I honestly feel that is the only thing in hell that would make LisaRaye take that weave out.  And you know she probably had two vats of vaseline with her.  One in her carry-on, in case they lost her luggage.  And one in her checked luggage, in case the carry-on vaseline didn't make it through security.


I'm sure Rocsi had never been so happy to be at a taping of 106 and Park and not on her ho-cation than when she found out about that beat-down.  Considering, it was almost two years ago, I'm sure Rosci thinks she is beat-down free.  WRONG!!!

LisaRaye just did an interview with HoneyMag.com and gave us this choice quote.

Have you seen her (Rocsi) since?

LisaRaye:  Have you heard that I've seen her?  You will hear about it.  I'm sure you will.


To that, Anani says, "LisaRaye you are such an effing lady!!"


Okay you can tell these chicks are used to the good life because they stay throwing drinks.  My broke ass will be damned if my $12 alcoholic beverage gets near anyone's lips but my own.   If I get into a fight at the club and am tempted to throw a drink, I will throw it in my own face before I waste it on someone else. 

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So I love LisaRaye.  She is probably the only person on the planet who started out in a starring role in a movie (Player's Club) and then immediately did two second roles supporting the supporting characters in every other movie (See The Wood and every other movie she has done.)  

She can't act for nothing.  So I think this reality show is a good look for her.   I just hope I can get past her annoying ass voice.

If you missed the show and want to see it, you can supposedly watch it online.  Of course it's black folks, so don't get mad if it ain't on there:

http://lisaraye.tvoneonline.com

Commence Live Blogging:

Okay, if I can sit thru Camilla "I Only Have This Job Because Matthew McConaughey Impregnated Me (Twice!" Alves and her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice on Shear Genius, I can sit thru Lisa "Don't You Dare Put A Space Here" Raye.  (Yes I'm giving myself a pep talk.)

This just in:  LisaRaye hasn't lost her swagger.

I'm already in love with LisaRaye's stylist.  If more men wore blonde highlighted press and curl's then the world would be a better place.

Direct LisaRaye Quote:  I have some of the most perfect eye sockets to work with.  

And then two seconds later, LisaRaye has a conniption because she forgot to tell her makeup artist that her "perfect eye sockets" are too sensitive for purple eyeshadow.  Commence five wasted minutes of LisaRaye bitching about her eyes.  "Oh no the purple on my eyes."

This just in:  LisaRaye has a whole new "leash" on life. 

This scene of LisaRaye kissing her daughter is making me uncomfortable.  And it wasn't even on the lips.

Oooh!  A Natalie Nunn sighting.  She runs L.A.!



Who was the genius that thought that the same audience who watches LisaRaye:  The Real McCoy is gonna watch the new one hour drama by the creator of the Wire (aka the best but also most complex show in the history of television.)???

Is it wrong that I want Tony Rock's skin care regimen?  (Sidenote:  I also want Luda's as well.  I am probably the only person who saw the "My Chick Bad" video and noticed his skin more than anything else.)

Did Al Sharpton get gastric bypass?  Am I late on this?

Okay more kissing of her daughter in the preview.  Will be taking a bathroom break during those scenes.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, she's gonna visit Da Brat in jail!  Yes. 

Second Episode:

Okay so LisaRaye has gone to Kai's job (Bath and Body Works!  Yep I recognized it!) to check on her.  She tried to disguise herself by wearing purple but not white.  Um, can you describe the huge ass CAMERA following you??

She and Kai are eating lunch.  There are more people working in the kitchen than eating in the restaurant.  I love how reality shows try to act like they didn't shut down the restaurant to film.

Ooh a Project Runway finalist sighting!  This show is a haven for all Z-List Reality Stars.  If I see a Flavor of Love girl on here, I'm gonna implode!

Quddus still has a job?  Did not know that. 



Umm, LisaRaye is doing a fashion show.  And she is not wearing white!  Did the Project Runway finalist not get the memo?  White is her color!  Guess that's why he is a Project Runway finalist and not a winner.

Okay, someone please explain how Al Sharpton can help her with her divorce settlement?  I feel like he has done every job except the one he is meant to do...HAIRSTYLIST!  

I'm gonna need her scary ass female lawyer to be the in same room as her scary ass male stylist.

Ooh a Popeye's commercial.  This is more like it.  

Okay, all her ex-husband has to do is bring these episodes to court.  

More daughter kissing.  Closing eyes!

I can't even put into words LisaRaye discussing why she likes to kiss her daughter.  All I can say is that she needs a man.  Pronto.

Her daughter seems like she has sense though.  She apparently was a much better mother than she was an actress. 

I love how LisaRaye has ID'd everyone on the show except for the small Latina woman who is always in the background.

Um, her daughter already has on the shirt she just bought!  She is a woman after my own heart.  I bought some slouchy skinny jeans from the Gap.  My friend had to stop me from wearing them out the store.

Jo'El.  eXclusive.  These names are a bit creative even for black people. 

Of course LisaRaye and Jo'El are not gonna get along.  She is anti-spaces between names and he loves spaces AND apostrophes.

Can't even pay attention to this scene of LisaRaye grilling Jo'El because of the big ass PAINTING of LisaRaye in the background.

It's over???  That's the most abrupt ending ever. 

Well, that was fun.  Me and my not as perfect eye sockets can't wait until next week.


Anani Twitter

I have an Anani Twitter to go with my Anani blog.

twitter.com/ananimiss 

So I've been trying to make an effort to be more social this year.  And to be more open.  As anyone will tell you, I'm ridiculously picky when it comes to guys.  This is what it has gotten me.

DUDE NUMBER ONE:  He was cute.  Got points for honesty.  Immediately told me he was 40.  Then proceeded to bore me to death with talk about Windows 7 and how it will change my life.  (Mind you we are at a club)  Two hours and four "Adios Mutherf*ckers" later, he has transformed from tech geek to old perv.  He kept biting me and giving me lap dances.  He would bite me.  I would go sit down.  He would proceed to give me a lap dance.  So I would stand up.  He would bite me.  So I would sit down again.  He would proceed to give me a lap dance.  It was a vicious cycle. 

The best part:  The next time I went to that same club, I saw him again.  He did not remember me but proceeded to hit on me again.  Whomp.  Whomp.

DUDE NUMBER TWO:  He was also cute.  Lost points for sliding his phone across the bar to get my number.  Normally I would have not responded well to that but again, I called myself being open.  He tells me that he is 32.  So imagine my surprise three weeks later when he facebook friends me and  his page says he is born in 1970?  Um, unless I took a time machine back to 2002, you are not 32.  I think perhaps I misheard him.  But no, the day after he friends me he removes his birthday from his page. 

I was surprised because he didn't look 40.  But thinking about it, I should have known.  The one time we spoke on the phone, he spent the first 10 minutes telling me that I needed to buy a freaking laser printer and then told me which one I should get.  WTF? 

The best part:  After I called him out on his age, he claimed that he was just trying to be friends.  Right.  You called me at 2 in the morning the night we met.  (I did not answer.)  Um, friends don't call friends that late.  Friends want friends to get a good night's rest.

DUDE NUMBER THREE:  Met him in West Hollywood (aka Gay Capital of L.A.) when my friends and I were trying to have a laid back night dancing at a gay club.  He proceeded to give me his card and tell me to "do what you want with that."  He then proceeded to point out my thick "thighs and waist."  Me:  Did you just say I have a thick waist?  Him:  I like that though.  WTF? 

The best part:  That he left.  Lame.  Lame. Lame.

TIME OUT:  So full disclosure, I have a huge crush on this friend of mine.  He has no interest in me (figures i would like the one black guy in America who doesn't like light skinned chicks with long hair.)   It also figures that I would like the one nice guy left in America.  He could read this and probably not realize I am talking about him.  I really want him to just be like "Bitch, stop harassing me if you ain't gonna give me some ass asap.  The next time I get an email/IM/FB message from you it better be a pic of your naked ass."  Because then I can be like "He's an asshole" and unfriend him on FB.  As it is, if I unfriend him on FB now, I will look like I am a crazy bitch.  (which I am but whatever.)  So basically I am making a huge effort to "decrush" (gonna trademark that word).  TIME BACK IN.

DUDE NUMBER FOUR:  Partly in an effort to "decrush" and partly because Dear Friend told me that we need to start being proactive and dating more, I decided to FB IM this dude.   After we've been talking for like an hour, I ask him if he knows "BLAH BLAH"  (Won't say who because she would beat my ass if I gave any details but it's someone that I'm really close to.).  At the same time, I'm asking him, I'm asking Blah if she knows him.  Blah:  You know we slept together right?  Umm, no Blah I did not know that.  #decrushfail

The best part:  Him trying to see if Blah told me that they slept together.  Blah didn't want me to tell him that I knew so I had to play it cool (anyone who knows me know that I didn't want to.)  Verbatim exchange:

Me:  You never answered me if you know my BLAH.

HIM:  I know her.

Me:  Yeah, she JUST told me.

HIM:  Told u what?

What I wanted to say:  That you guys did it and it sucked.

What I actually said:  that you know each other. 

HIM:  Yeah, she's incredible.  A great person.

What I wanted to say:  Incredible huh?  She didn't say that about you.

What I actually said:  Isn't she though?



DUDE NUMBER FIVE: Again, in efforts to go on a date every two weeks, I decide to IM a male friend of mine that we will call YO and ask if he knows any friends to set me up with.  Somehow a conversation that started with "Do you have any cute friends to hook me up with?"  ended with him saying "Good night sexy lady."   I am really trying to figure out how I took a wrong turn in that convo so that I went from platonic friend to a sexy lady.  I think it was when I mentioned that there was a virus on my computer and now porn sites kept popping up.  Apparently if you bring up sex in any form then dudes will take that to mean you want to have it with them.

The best part:  As I'm talking with Yo, I'm also talking with my friend Haze. 
Me:  Haze, the last time I spoke with Yo he was so serious.  This time he's cracking jokes and initiating convo.
Haze:  That's because he probably wants to have sex with you.
Me:  (being my usual EXTREMELY NAIVE self)  What? No?  We are friends!  I just asked him to hook me up with his single friends.

Cut to:  "Good night, sexy lady." 






 

Okay, so it was one my dear friends birthdays this past weekend.  Dear Friend wanted to celebrate by hitting the only black male strip club exotic revue in Los Angeles.

Full disclosure:  I do not like strippers. I feel that much like dogs, strippers can sense your fear and attack.  It started when I was 18 and my play sister took me to a raunchy ass one in Newark.  I just remember one stripper walking by and her telling him to "put it on the table." and "wiggle it for her."  He did and it went downhill from there.  I would give them money to get AWAY from me, not come closer.  I remember one was licking my ear and I was like "K, give him a dollar quick!"  But because of Dear Friend, I was willing to go. 

TIME OUT:  It also didn't help that when I told another friend I was going, he relayed a story about a friend of his accidentally getting hit in the face with stripper penis.   That is like my worst fear.  1)  Being mauled to death by a dog.  2)  Getting poked in the eye by anonymous stripper penis.  TIME BACK IN.

So we go.  And it was not as bad as I thought.  It was actually hysterical.  West Coast strippers are tame compared to East Coast Ones.  No one "put it on the table."   In fact, no one even took it out.  Some didn't even take off their pants. 

THE STRIPPERS: 

They were all in shape but in varying degrees.  Some were too skinny and some looked like they were about one-week-off-from-gym away from a beer gut.  Some were obviously lied to by someone (perhaps their mom) who told them that they were good looking and/or buff enough to be a stripper.

I was under the impression that strippers danced alone.  However, there were several stripping teams.  Sometimes they would do coordinated dances.  Oftentimes, they would not.  Also, several times when there was a solo act, there would be another fully dressed stripper standing off to the side of the stage grinding his damn self for his damn self.  I'm not sure why they would do this.  Perhaps they are just that passionate about their chosen career path?  I did not ask.


THE OUTFITS:

They ranged from specially designed outfits complete with tassles and sequins to a "I was walking by in my Casual-Day-At-Church outfit and some guy poked his head out like 'We got an extra 10 minute slot, you want to take your clothes off for some dollar bills?  And I did want to take my clothes off for some dollar bills so I here I am."  My personal favorite was a dude named Champagne who wore something that was best described by my friend as a "Bollywood Wedding Dress."

THE WOMEN:

Regardless of level of attractiveness, this did not stop the chicks from "making it rain" on the dudes.  The strip floor was in the middle of the room.  And if a woman was so inclined, she would take her handful of dollar bills and go stand next to the strip floor.  The dancer would see her and then grind on over.  Sometimes he would touch her.  Sometimes he wouldn't.  Sometimes he would just look in her direction.  Regardless of the efforts on his part, the result was always the same.  Dollar bills would go flying in the air.  Sometimes they would STICK to the dancers body.  I'm assuming it was combination of baby oil and sweat that made it stick but I again I did not ask.

THE PERFORMANCES:

PATRON was the first up.  You know how when you get to the club early and there is just one drunk dude on the dance floor by himself?  He's just having a good old time grinding and dancing because he is tore up.  And don't let a chick be standing too close to the dance floor because drunk dude will run over and grind on her until she can make an escape.  Well, that is what Patron felt like. except he didn't have on a shirt and the girl on the side had dollar bills in her hand.

BOO-YA  He was the only one who really had a prop.  He had this fake "tub" that had like sand or glitter in it.  I could not tell which (again was not gonna ask.)   I know it had water in it though because he was kinda giving himself a bath as he was stripping (that is what you call stripper multi-tasking.)  The best part was at the end of his performance.  He and some other stripper had to take the tub away, but first they had to pour the sand glitter out the tub and back into some bottle to be reused.  Hey it is a recession.

CHAMPAGNE:  He did a cartwheel and a backflip onto what I'm assuming was supposed to be some invisible woman's vagina.  Since she was invisible, and he wanted to make sure we got the visual, he then used his hand to simulate the vagina and proceeded to tongue air for about 2 minutes.  If anyone was still unsure about what he was doing, the MC (a nice young man named Nympho) kept saying "That's how you eat pussy." 

Bump N Grind:  Apparently he is the KING of the club.  I know this because they kept referring to him as "The King Bump N Grind."  He even had a full blown POSTER up in that piece.  His body was amazing but otherwise I was not impressed.  He was flipping chicks over (real chicks. not Champagne's invisible girlfriend).  He tried to dry hump one chick doggie style and she literally ran away.  He did one hump and she used that forward momentum to take off and get as far away from him as she could.

Hennessy:  By far my favorite of the night.  He was closer to the "beer gut" side of the stripper spectrum by the ladies loved him.  He took Champagne's visual one step farther courtesy of whipped cream, which he used to draw boobs and a HUGE triangle ( seriously whose vagina is 12 inches big??)  on a towel.  If that was not enough, he then used the whip creamed can to simulate his penis.  And would sprout whipped cream semen out the nozzle.   However, as much as I love whipped cream (or did before the whipped cream semen visual), that was not the highlight of the show.  Hennessy had two women battling over his affection.  On one side was a skinny chick who was a bit stingy with her money.  On the other, was a not-as-skinny chick who was NOT stingy at all.  She literally gave him what had to be $400 dollars.  We figured these were both his ladies battling for his affections.

After the show we talked to him.  He denied these were his ladies.  We mentioned that skinny chick looked mad when other girl was giving him money.  He attributed that to her having "bad energy."  And said she "only" gave him $40.  He did admit the other chick was "there" for him.  However, he denied she gave him $400.  I am not sure how he knew how much she gave him.  Perhaps since hs a professional and all, he can do a Rainman where he looks at an unspecifed amount of dollar bills on the ground and immedietely know exactly how much money is there?  Then my friend asked him if he got his eyebrows threaded and I think he got mad because he left soon after.

Black Reign/Jamal:  He was the closer of the night.  My friends personal favorite.  For some reason they had a rope next to the strip floor and the guys would use it in their performances.  They would put it around their necks and use it to hold themselves up as they  grinded.  I'm assuming that this was supposed to turn me on.  Instead it looked like they were being lynched.  And nothing says unsexy like a lynching.  Black Reign was a BIG fan of the rope around the neck though.  He was such a fan that he took it one step forward and had a chain.  He had this old woman HOLD the chain, then he put it around his neck and started grinding all around the stage using just the chain as support.  The BEST visual of the night was that woman trying to hold on to that chain as it whipped her back and forth from side to side. 

I would have dropped it partly b/c i'm weak and partly b/c I woulda been like "Am I really holding a chain with a grinding stripper attached to the other end.  I'm sure the chain was just the  beginning of Black Reign's acrobatics but I'm not sure b/c they cut his show short.  They literally TURNED ON THE LIGHTS as he was grinding on some chick right in front of us. 

We had given the Birthday Girl some dollars to give the stripper of her choice (by some I mean three, yes I'm big balling like that.)  She chose to give it to Black Reign.  Since the show was over, she simply yelled at him "You, come here.  What's your name again?"  He gave her a hug and told her to keep her money because he just wanted her to have had good time.  (Translation:  Bitch, what am I gonna do with three measly dollars, I can't even catch the bus home with that.)  He then asked her name and was like "I'm Jamal, with a J."  I'm not sure why he felt the need to share his government name (and clarify how to spell it) but perhaps he could sense that unlike the other hoes, we truly cared about him as a person?

I'm literally sitting with my grandparents right now and came across this article.  (It's 80 plus degrees outside and my Gram swears I'm gonna get pneumonia because I'm not wearing socks.) 

Um, my grandma would not be calling the police if I called talking about death threats.  She would be the person cursing you the hell out like the callers who get pranked by Big Boi's radio show. 

Last time I was home, my dad was talking to her and jokingly said to her "Your mama."  She didn't even hesitate before responding "Your mama!"  Then she realized she was talking about herself and was like "Your mama...is a wonderful person."  I was dying.
 

Woman allegedly pranks her grandma 45 times in day


CAMBRIDGE, Minn. – A 21-year-old woman faces felony charges after allegedly prank-calling her 69-year-old grandmother 45 times in one day, threatening to kill her. The woman faces five felony counts including harassment. A criminal complaint said she told police she was "bored" and "wanted to have some fun."

The woman and a 20-year-old friend, also facing charges, allegedly called the older woman on Feb. 5 and said "I'm gonna kill you," "You're going to die" and "I'm watching you."

Police officers answered some calls for the grandmother and heard a female caller make threats.

The criminal complaint said the suspect told investigators she wanted to scare her grandmother but didn't want her dead. She said she knew it was wrong but not illegal.